Anyone here was christian? If you were or you are or you were in christian school like me, you must have heard a story about the parable of the lost son. If you haven't, you won't be able to understand my ramble. Skip the story if you had read it

The Parable of the Lost Son

 ¹¹Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons. ¹²The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them.

 ¹³"Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. ¹⁴After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. ¹⁵So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. ¹⁶He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

 ¹⁷"When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! ¹⁸I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. ¹⁹I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' ²⁰So he got up and went to his father.
      "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

 ²¹"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.^[a]'

 ²²"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. ²³Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. ²⁴For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.

 ²⁵"Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. ²⁶So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. ²⁷'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.'

 ²⁸"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. ²⁹But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. ³⁰But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'

 ³¹" 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. ³²But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "

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Yup, that was the story. If the pastour or teacher or whoelse asked you, 'Do you want to be this younger, admit your fault and go back to your Father?'. I'm sure most of the believer would say 'yes'. I admit that I would too but now I realized, what happen to the older one? Isn't it not fair to him? He had cared about his father, he was there with him while the younger somewhere in the world, he listened to his father, he did something to grow what he got from his father. It looked like what he did was vain. Nothing at all! Wouldn't the elder start to rebel if it was like that?

I myself felt like that. Well, my brothers were older and they were studying abroad. When they were away, everyone would look at me and strike a conversation even it was only a stupid thing. But when they came home, I looked like NOTHING. No one look at me, no one search me, no one call me, no one ask me, no one, no one, no one.
Oh right, I am boring. I hate that stupid brother. They only talk to me WHEN THEY NEED SOMETHING or order me TO DO SOMETHING.
Hanging with those bastards were more fun than me, right?
I prefer being alone but I don't want being left. Maybe I am jealous to them or maybe I hate them. I looked like a tool. Used when they want, throw it away when they finished.
I am a human too, dammit!
If they wanted to use me, I demand a payment. Well, worlds know give and take. I'm sure that they also know too. A fair exchange.
I hate them

If you asked why I write, maybe I'll answer it was because I like it or maybe because I feel like to.
I would say that it is for fill my waste time or so. Actually I barely has time to do anything. I have a lot of tasks and works to do.
I would do my works in rush because I had to give it to the teacher or give it to my friend (if it is teamwork).

But still I can't help to stop to write. It is relieving me from my sadness, anger, annoy, or any negative things somehow.
I realized that when I read my own story, it like reflecting what world I wished in, what things I want, how I want to be a different person, what person I want to be, what person I want with be, what person I need to have, or what my hopes are.
I can't shout when I was angry or upset even I want to, I would just smile sheepishly or sigh. But in the story, 'they' could.

I don't have parents to talk a private things like when I have problems, or when I want something. I sealed it all deep down in my mind. I keep repeating that they had given me more than enough, they have been busy and tired. I don't want to add their burden.
I hardly could say something that can interest them like my siblings did. I am happy to see they are smiling or laughing.
I only can patiently wait when they were in an event or with their friends even I am very bored. I am smiling like it was nothing when they wondered whether I am bored or tired. They would praise me because some of them who have child couldn't bear to go with them.
How I want to comment 'neither I can'. But I only smile and hide my real feeling inside me. 

I don't have siblings to spend time with, the two of them were close but not with me. Honestly, I am lonely but I acted like I am used to. Well, maybe I am used to but still, I am lonely. They are brilliant, smart, and attractive. They have much friends, they can do many things. Maybe I am jealous.

I have many friends but they only see my outer shield. I rarely have friends to talk a private matters because I had been betrayed and it hurts me enough. I am acting friendly to them no matter how I hate them. I tried to agree with them but inside I am disgusted with them. They are phony and two faced. One would say sweet and pretty things to another, but when the other turned, the one would say the otherwise. I only smile at them. They would think I am no danger to them.

I am easy to make a personality since it looked like I possessed that personality but I realized that I have many personalities. The polite and the impolite, the soft and the brute, the funny and the annoying, I like having a day and night in the same time. My biggest weapon is smile and smile.

I have no one to shout to but I have words to form. I have story to build. I have plot to express. I have chance to do all of that.

I'm grateful to find a place like fanficition.net that could make me write freely

Aoi Faith, 4 April 2009.